This is how I feel about having to work all weekend.

Life Lessons We Shouldn't Teach Children

I feel as though there is a handful of life lessons we teach children that either do not translate successfully into adulthood or even work effectively in childhood. They often lead to the creation of sociopaths. Here are some of those lessons:

1. Be honest. All the time. To everyone.

            This does not work, especially in higher stages of human development like adolescence and adulthood.

Explaining the concept of the “white lie” is too abstract for little kids, so we tell them, “Don’t lie.” That is until Suzie tells one of her chubby friends that they’re chubby or tells the second best friend that they’re the second best friend and not as pretty as her.

            Total honesty does not work in the adult world. Every single relationship—literally every single one—would fail if it involved total honesty. You know it. I know it. Don’t you dare tell me you tell your boyfriend every single thing, because you’re a liar.

2. Make a happy plate.

            Look where we are now. We’re obese! This “happy plate” mentality is why I just spent my Tuesday night watching The Biggest Loser with my friend Laura. It’s also the reason she and I started crying and convinced each other to stop eating.

            And don’t give me that “starving kid in Africa” crap. Whether or not my plate is “happy” does not affect that kid’s dinner. We’re not even eating the same thing. I’m most likely eating a cheeseburger and fries from sonic. He’s probably eating a goat with a side of goat testicles.

3. Laugh at the embarrassment and pain of others.

            Often when adults play with children, they will either fake or experience real pain in order to make that kid laugh. Adults, so desperate to win the approval of a fickle five-year-old, will inflict pain on themselves to be the “favorite” for approximately thirty minutes.

            My friend Anne is a kindergarten teacher, and she told me that her kids love it when she drops something or accidentally hurts herself.

            We support this behavior by repeating the pain and laughing with them. Fast-forward fifteen years. That five-year-old is a now a twenty-year-old douchebag.

4. The principle of bumper cars.

Why do we have road rage? I think it is pretty easy to trace it back to its source. Bumper cars teach you to ram into strangers.

            I was one of those kids that would only run into my friends or my sister. But there are always those maniacs that run into complete strangers leaving kids like me backed into a corner and feeling rather violated.

What happens to those kids? They turn into Hummer-driving road ragers who get a kick out of driving fear through the hearts of their fellow drivers. They’re also the ones who have the “balls” hanging off the trailer hitch of their pick-up.

Stay tuned for the next installment of “Life Lessons We Shouldn’t Teach Children,” which includes topics like the myth of the stork and the necessity of drinking your milk.

Having People over Just Isn't Worth It

I’ve been considering having a party of sorts. Not a huge blowout or anything because I live in an apartment complex, and, frankly, I don’t have enough friends for a party of that caliber. I was thinking about four to seven people. I’ve been feeling pretty lonely ever since the summer has ended. I’m seeing my boyfriend a lot less because he’s started his fall semester at school, and my friends and I all have jobs.

But then I thought about how having people over is expensive even if you tell everyone, “BYOB.” Or “Potluck!”

But if you do those things, I feel like you’re “that guy.” Especially with the whole “bring your own food” thing. Then your friends come over thinking, I’m just going to bring a side dish or beverage because obviously, since Megan is hosting, she’ll have entrees available. She’s pretty much just asking us to supplement her food offerings, I’m sure.

But that’s not the case. I wouldn’t have entrees to provide, and then everyone would be like, “Wow, what a bitch. She didn’t even provide for her own guests. I don’t want to come to another one of Megan’s parties. All she did was say we could occupy space that she’s happening to rent, but we still have to buy the food and drinks. She’s not any different than a restaurant.”

And then they’d all leave. Plus, I don’t like potlucks. When someone suggests one and I say, “Super fun!” I’m really saying, “Super fun! We can all bring our own dishes and talk about how everyone’s food is so good but only really eat what we each brought because what other people make is weird or their dishes never look quite clean. And when people cook alone they are never as sanitary as when they cook in front of other people. How long has that been sitting in your car?”

Then I just go home hungry and praying I didn’t eat someone’s hair.

And if it’s BYOB, then people are going to sharing liquor and beer. When I hear BYOB, I’m thinking, I brought this liquor for me and me alone. No, you cannot mix my rum with your whatever the hell mixer you brought instead of bringing liquor or beer. Because I brought liquor. Liquor for me! It’s not my fault you ignored the YO in BYOB.

I’m just overly territorial like that.

So back to the main point: Parties and get-togethers are expensive. I would feel like I would have to provide the bulk of food and liquor in order to feel like an adequate hostess. Otherwise the night would end with either me being really hungry for fear of eating other people’s food, or my friends hating me because I don’t share rum.

After Much Procrastination and Over-Analyzing...

I’ve done it. I’ve joined the masses. I wish that my decision to begin a blog meant I was some sort of pioneer or at least a little bit quirky. But I don’t think it means either of those things. I’m not going to let this bring me down, however.

So why don’t I just write in my journal? Why do I need to publish these “important” things that I have to say on the internet? Because I find journals more formal. (Formaler?) I feel like journals are meant for profound thoughts that are only rightly expressed when you actually put forth the effort to write the words—a much more tedious and meaningful process than typing. Hemingway had a journal. In fact, the one he used uses the fact that he used it as a selling point. Just ask my friend Brent. That’s one of the main he reasons he bought that brand of journal.

This blog is informal. This blog is for bitching about things, entertainment­­ (mainly mine, but maybe yours), to cure my boredom, and for practice in writing. I haven’t written much lately because I am an editor, and editors spend a lot of time reading other people’s writing rather than writing.

Now that I have stated my purpose and vision for this blog, I feel as though I can sign out. Before I get really into the blog thing, though, I’m definitely going to need more reliable internet. This bumming from my neighbors isn’t working out so well. Most of them have passwords, and the other ones don’t have a very good signal. It makes bumming from my mom’s Netflix to watch instant video online rather difficult.