I feel as though there is a handful of life lessons we teach children that either do not translate successfully into adulthood or even work effectively in childhood. They often lead to the creation of sociopaths. Here are some of those lessons:
1. Be honest. All the time. To everyone.
This does not work, especially in higher stages of human development like adolescence and adulthood.
Explaining the concept of the “white lie” is too abstract for little kids, so we tell them, “Don’t lie.” That is until Suzie tells one of her chubby friends that they’re chubby or tells the second best friend that they’re the second best friend and not as pretty as her.
Total honesty does not work in the adult world. Every single relationship—literally every single one—would fail if it involved total honesty. You know it. I know it. Don’t you dare tell me you tell your boyfriend every single thing, because you’re a liar.
2. Make a happy plate.
Look where we are now. We’re obese! This “happy plate” mentality is why I just spent my Tuesday night watching The Biggest Loser with my friend Laura. It’s also the reason she and I started crying and convinced each other to stop eating.
And don’t give me that “starving kid in Africa” crap. Whether or not my plate is “happy” does not affect that kid’s dinner. We’re not even eating the same thing. I’m most likely eating a cheeseburger and fries from sonic. He’s probably eating a goat with a side of goat testicles.
3. Laugh at the embarrassment and pain of others.
Often when adults play with children, they will either fake or experience real pain in order to make that kid laugh. Adults, so desperate to win the approval of a fickle five-year-old, will inflict pain on themselves to be the “favorite” for approximately thirty minutes.
My friend Anne is a kindergarten teacher, and she told me that her kids love it when she drops something or accidentally hurts herself.
We support this behavior by repeating the pain and laughing with them. Fast-forward fifteen years. That five-year-old is a now a twenty-year-old douchebag.
4. The principle of bumper cars.
Why do we have road rage? I think it is pretty easy to trace it back to its source. Bumper cars teach you to ram into strangers.
I was one of those kids that would only run into my friends or my sister. But there are always those maniacs that run into complete strangers leaving kids like me backed into a corner and feeling rather violated.
What happens to those kids? They turn into Hummer-driving road ragers who get a kick out of driving fear through the hearts of their fellow drivers. They’re also the ones who have the “balls” hanging off the trailer hitch of their pick-up.
Stay tuned for the next installment of “Life Lessons We Shouldn’t Teach Children,” which includes topics like the myth of the stork and the necessity of drinking your milk.
